Emptiness
Words have felt too finite to describe this passage through emptiness. Yet tonight the full moon nudged me to write again...
It’s full moon outside, the last one of the year, sailing high and magnificent in a sea of stars. I feel like I should be making ceremony, casting prayers and wishes in its silvery light. But these last few months, it’s been a challenge to create anything. Bringing anything into form feels like a huge, overwhelming struggle.
And so I’ve been silent all that while, because the words feel too black-and-white, too finite on the screen to describe the emptiness that’s been my companion.
So I’ve got nothing to show for you. No Insta-pretty pictures of altars, no poetry or art, not even a snap of the woods as they abandon their summer covering and become stark; silhouettes and skeletons in the face of a dying light.
Yet I have come to love this emptiness. Not as an act of spiritual evolution but as a necessity. Fatigue is a stern teacher of the truths that surrender brings; a falling-away of attachment to expectations, goals, even dreams. I’ve simply been too tired, too weary and slow to run after their fading forms.
In the space that’s left behind when I finally give up the running, lives a strange kind of aliveness. A quiet energy that hums to itself. A wakefulness to all the ways in which life continues to thrum through my senses. It’s an acutely sensitive space, this emptiness. I’m painfully aware of how every inner shift, every thought finds an echo in the quality of my days. Of how I can still choose to experience exquisite joy for no apparent reason.
Bereft of my usual ways of powering through the world, creating change and chaos and effect, I’m discovering the grace of mutuality in my relationships.
So I can’t create ceremony to honour this full moon.
But I can sit for a moment and simply offer the moon a gift of my gratitude, and attune every sense to the way she lights up my world tonight.
Just for a while, to be breath and aliveness and awake right here, right now.
Beautiful company silence
Fatigue a stern teacher
Yes
Love your way with words
Blessings
What beautiful thoughts! I hear you. There is something about the background in the Field, today here in your words of the moon and the resting woods, which becomes Figural when it needs to, and your words express so well this... Be compassionate to yourself for the past way of being in the world, it is survival that's all, and makes sense, why wouldn't it? Awakening and noticing it is enough, don't have to do anything else, we have many parts of us, and some can be given permission to step back a little..... Nothing to mend and nothing to put away, our past is part of us, and striving and powering through seemed right at the time,... to survive. I have awakened and seen how intergenerational trauma plays its part, it is handed on, and we take up the baton, so we need to survive. So many unspoken agonies, voices may not have been allowed, and so it follows neither are ours. Where does all of that go? Perhaps in to our bodies; they know. But when we notice, we can understand and have compassion on ourselves. Our way of being got us to places, and can still do, but increasingly there is the opportunity, may be through fatique opening the door to our own inner power, to turn off the road more frequently, allowing the Field to become Figural. The empiness you describe here is very full xxx